Calibur Noir
by Cyran the Fox
Summary: Kilik P.I. investigates the criminal activities of Voldo and finds a conspiracy that even he wasnt prepared for
1. A date with destiny

"_Okay first of all, I played both games and enjoyed them greatly, so I'm not just making fun of it. Second, I don't own any of this. Anyhow welcome to my Soul Caliber, Pulp Fiction, and Film Noir fan fiction."_

Chapter 1: A date with destiny

"Then rain poured down outside dampening my already sour mood. Mondays are always the epitome of the word dreary here in the office. If I haven't introduced myself, my name's Kilik and I'm a cop, well more of a P.I. really. Been on the job for two years now, ever since I graduated the force. Well anyways, the day started out like any other, a moody black and white Monday that makes you wish you were anywhere but here. Reaching my office however, I found that the door was already unlocked. Reaching for my Walther PPK, I checked and made sure the safety was off before nudging the door open. That's when I saw her, sitting on my desk one leg crossed over the other, brown hair cropped close to an Asian face. Those beautiful green eyes already brimming with tears she looked for all the world like the job that all future jobs would be compared with.

"Good evening." I said quietly as I removed my fedora and trench coat, placing them on the coat rack next to the door. "What can I do for you?"

"Please" She stated serenely as she slid off my desk, "I need you to help my children"

Damn, a trophy holder, why can't a beautiful single woman without kids ask me for a job, oh well, beggars cant be choosers. My day quickly darkening again I asked her.

"So what's a pretty dame like you doing with kids?"

"No, you don't understand, I run an elementary school for the local community." My day jumped back into the sunshine as I watched her shake her head.

"Why don't you tell me what happened?" I asked her, offering her a seat. She took it with a nodded thanks and a smile. This might turn out better than I thought, I said to myself taking a seat across my desk from her.

She nodded and began "Well my name is Xianghua (Damn, forgot to ask her name) and up until yesterday I happily ran a small elementary school." I calmly waited for her to finish "Well, a couple of days ago, a strange man began appearing around the schoolyards, I usually don't panic because we get these kind of sickos a lot, but this one was different. Although he was blind, he didn't carry any kind of cane. Worse yet he wore a long tan coat and when the wind caught it one day I saw a weird leather strap outfit."

I ran a list of local pedophiles in my mind and only one person came to mind. That sick bastard Voldo, usually a minor crook, you know photographing and flashing stuff, but the way she's distraught he looks to have moved up in the world. I let her compose herself for a few minutes and gave her a handkerchief (Hell yeah, score sensitivity points for K-man)

"Well one day after school, I escorted the kids onto the bus keeping an eye out for that guy, and made sure everything was all right. I didn't see him anywhere, and I would have noticed if he was hiding on the bus, but even so, the bus never made it home that day." At this, she broke into wracking sobs and I put my arm around her (hee, hee) for comfort.

"Listen girl, I know this guy, and where he operates, so I'll go take him down (Eww, that didn't come out right) and get your kids back"

She looked up at me with those big green watery eyes, and I knew I wasn't going to let this one rest. I walked her to her car and saw her off with promises that I would check it out tonight. Getting back to my desk I immediately picked up the phone, if I was going in tonight I was going to need some muscle. The phone rang twice before it clicked and a low growl issued from the other end.

"Hey, Nightmare, you looking for some action" I hated working with Nightmare, but I could disregard his lack of bathing, lack of English, and lack of intelligence, in favor for his extreme use of violence at the moment.

The series of grunts and single syllabic words told me he was ready for anything, all I had to do was pick him up. I cautioned him to come armed, and told him to try and look presentable. I dropped the phone onto the receiver and, grabbing my coat and hat, walked into the gray mist that was the outside world. My Buick Sedan hugged the streets as I traveled deeper and deeper into the heart of the city. Lucky for me Nightmare's apartment was on the way to the bar that Voldo frequented. Finally, I reached Nightmare's block and found him standing outside in the rain waiting for me.

"Well so much for presentable" I mentioned to no one in particular as I noticed what Nightmare was wearing. He stood, in all his glory, wearing a pair of black tuxedo pants that were ripped from the knees down, a neon green tie, and the lack of a shirt was frightening several kids two blocks down. His great demonic arm held a seemingly tiny briefcase, and his usually flowing blond hair was wrapped into a ponytail. The side of my beautiful car scrapped the ground as he climbed into the passenger's seat. Amid the creaks and groans of springs straining Nightmare somehow managed to stuff himself next to me. With his shoulders scraping my dome light he turned towards me for recognition.

"Nice tie" was all I could find to say. He gave me an enormous thumbs up with that mutated hand of his (skin condition my ass) and said "Presdint-able."

Mostly we road in silence having really no common ground on which to base a conversation. I winced every time I took a turn and heard my running boards rip themselves apart on the concrete. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity we reached the "Hero's Tomb Bar and Grill" a seedy little joint next to an old church in the middle of a dark hopeless slum. I parked around the side and noticed the blazingly pink moped that could only be Voldo's. I snatched one of the tassels off, placed it in my pocket, and watched Nightmare bend the roof and already stripped floor of my car as he climbed out. I swore that if I had the chance I would shoot him. Reminding myself I checked both guns I carried, the Walther in my inside coat pocket, and the tiny Derringer that I hid within my sock. Nightmare also checked his weapons; he carried a sawed off double barrel in one pocket and an enormous fist loader in the other. Lucky for him he was bulky enough to hide both of those in his pockets. I opened the door to the bar and was immediately greeted by cheap cigars and watered down beer.

"_Well so much for chapter one, Stay tuned next time for "Interview with a pedophile"_


	2. Interview with a Pedophile

"_I sincerely appreciate the reviews, DilaZirK and Anasazi, thanks for your comments. Don't worry about the lack of weapons it has only just begun. And now, on with the show!"_

Chapter 2: Interview with a Pedophile

The bar greeted us with a dark, smoke filled atmosphere. The room practically leaked stench out the walls. Checking my immediate surroundings, I noticed that nightmare had his good hand holding his nose.

"SMELL BAD!" he growled to me while waving that monstrous hand of his at the smoke.

"Listen buddy." I said dodging a couple of dingy ceiling tiles Nightmare's frantic fanning had knocked down. "You gotta play the tough guy theme in here."

He nodded to me and uncovered his nose. While screwing his face up into a tough guy frown he took great gulps of air in and out of his mouth.

"Oh well," I thought to my self as I went back to searching for traces of Voldo "At least he isn't crying"

Though the room was littered with men playing pool or losing their paychecks to poker, Voldo stood out like a sore thumb. White straps wrapped around his head, covering his eyes, mouth, and looping around his neck. The most disturbing piece however is the purple tank top that Voldo has no shame in displaying. (Oh crap I think I'm gonna be sick) Voldo proudly displayed his purple shorts (Are they shorts or a short skirt, Oh god) Nightmare held me up as I doubled over and let out a couple of dry heaves.

"Alright Nightmare let's get this over with" I said wiping my mouth.

We walked over to where Voldo was enjoying the company of some bar peanuts in a shadowed booth. As we sat down, he opened his arms and gave a curt bow.

"Aaaaaahhhhhh" Voldo's voice was a dry whisper through the bandages "Deeetectivvvve, haaave you commme to seaaaarch meeeee agaaain, I soooooo enjoyyeed it laaaast timme"

I swallow the gorge rising in my throat and force myself to look at the drink that has somehow found its way to our table.

"Listen you sick bastard, I want to know where those kids are."

"Reeelaaax, theeey arre saaafe, I caant hooooweever saay theee ssssame foor you,"

Glancing about quickly, the full weight of what Voldo hissed hit me. A ring of men had formed around our booth. One of the men, holding a rather evil looking pistol, took the Walthier out of my pocket and threw it across the room.

"Yooou sssssseeeeee Kilik, (Uhh God he said my name) I haaave beeeen exxxpectiing youuu"

At this, he stood up and made his way towards a door behind the ring of men. The ring tightened back up and I stood ready for what was about to commence.

"Aaaand Deeetectivvvve" Voldo turned back to look at us. "Dooont wooorry aaaaabout theee kidssssss, Theee cooompaannny aaaand I haaave iiit uuunder cooontroooll."

His laughter echoed until the door slammed shut behind him. I focused my attention back on the problem at hand. One of the men, a biker by the looks of him, pulled a chain from behind his back.

"Alright boys, remember what the boss said, alive if possible." The men laughed at this and pulled all sorts of weapons out.

Nightmare leaped into action throwing a monstrous punch that crushed the skull of a club-wielding thug. I however was not having as easy of time. Beset by two knife-wielding maniacs I found myself backed against a table. The two gang members grinned at each other and stalked towards me with confidence. Things were looking bleak until my hand brushed up against something wooden. I grabbed it and lashed out towards the nearest knife wielder. He cried out in pain as the pool stick smashed against his face. Wasting no time, I spun around and cracked the other one on the temple. He clutched his head and sunk to the floor, just about the time the other one had recovered. Neatly dodging his attack I gave Broke-Nose (Ha ha, man I'm funny) a thump on the back of his head.

Dusting myself off, I noticed Nightmare had all but finished off the rest of the gang. Just when I was about to congratulate him, two more guys burst from behind the bar with Thompson submachine guns. I dove for cover behind a pool table, followed quickly by Nightmare who was using the last remaining thug for a shield.

"Okay if you have a plan say so now," I yelled to Nightmare over the sound of splintering wood and powdering of pool balls.

Nightmare turned to me and began fishing in his pockets, he came back up with the sawed off shotgun. Realizing his straight forward plan, I fished the tiny derringer out of my sock.

"Alright on three," I said nodding to Nightmare who gave me another one of those disturbing thumbs up. "One..........two........"

"FIVE!!" Nightmare screamed leaping to his feet.

I swore and scrambled up after him. Nightmare's first shot caught one of the gunmen in the stomach and split him in half. His second shot however, merely splintered the wall beside the other shooter. I aimed carefully, not wanting to waste my only shot, and fired. The gunman twirled as the Derringer bullet caught him high on his right side. The Thompson gun followed the arc and traced a pattern around the room and on parts of the ceiling. Nightmare hurdled the pool table and, using his shotgun like a primitive club, crushed the gunman's skull.

I decided against following Voldo tonight, and decided to find out more about this "Company" that Voldo had mentioned. Grabbing Nightmare, I headed for the exit. I would need two things to continue this job; One, I was going to need another pistol to replace the one Voldo's goons had taken, and two, I was going to have to find me a rat.

_Sorry this chapter was so short and Voldo was so hard to read, but Kilik got his staff and Nightmare, well I guess Nightmare got more souls. Stay tuned next time for "The Rat"_


	3. The Rat

"_Cue the theme music DAAA DAAA DA DA DAAA welcome to another episode of "Kilik P.I." Thanks for the reviews people, and now on with the show"_

Chapter 3: The Rat

Back on the street, I could once again think clearly. A hundred questions poured through my head; who was this company, how did Voldo gain so much power so quickly, and most importantly: Why the hell is Nightmare hanging his head out the window? My last question was answered shortly as we passed by a man closing his shop. Letting loose a howl, Nightmare began to bark as loud and as deep as he could. The man closing shop spun around and leapt at the sight of Nightmare.

"Cool it man!" I said tugging on Nightmare's tie "Get back in the damn car"

Oblivious to my pulls Nightmare continued his verbal assault. The store owner fell back against his store front clutching his chest. Finally, as luck would have it we passed from view as I steered the car past the shop. Nightmare ceased his braying and sat heavily back down in the passenger seat. What little remained of my running boards scraped off on the concrete. (God why didn't I shoot him back there?) A long uncomfortable silence drug on as I waited for some kind of outlandish explanation from Nightmare. Nightmare on the other hand seemed totally unperturbed by his behavior. Finally I could stand it no longer and decided it best not to broach the subject; I instead decided to tell him our next phase of action.

"Look Nightmare I think..."

"BIG DAWG!" Nightmare yelled starting to lean out the window again.

"NO!" I yelled at Nightmare (Who oddly enough stopped and listened).

Looking forlornly at another passerby, Nightmare sat back down. He managed to wave glumly at his intended target, who in turn waved back not knowing how close he came to a heart attack.

"Okay look Nightmare," I began again "I think our next move should be to find an informant on this "Company" Voldo mentioned, and I have the perfect one."

At the sound of me mentioning Voldo's name, Nightmare let out a series of low growls. I decided that I couldn't figure out whether or not he was angry or still pretending to be a dog. I dismissed both ideas and kept going.

"Anyhow, I've got a plan. I think its time we paid Yoshimitsu a little visit."

I gassed the car and headed towards the industrial part of the city. We road mostly in silence and I was thankful for that. As more and more gritty houses were replaced by steel structures and smoke stacks, the air grew noticeably grittier. Darkness found us pulling into a seedy back alley where a gang of homeless people warmed themselves near barrels. They eyed us warily as Nightmare and I stepped from the vehicle. The despair that saturated most of the city was strangely absent from here as I surveyed my surroundings. The soul crushing life of the homeless is usually evident on their faces, yet here I don't see any evidence of that. As we stepped towards the group two rather gruff looking men stepped away from their fires. I pulled Nightmare to a halt and we waited for them to reach us.

"Listen guys I don't want any trouble," I explained "I'm just here to see Yoshimitsu."

"Nobody sees Yoshimitsu unless we say so" one of the men retorted.

"Yeah nobody" the other echoed "Especially no coppers see"

"Come on guys," I pleaded "I swear I'm just going to talk to him."

"Nope," one of them responded (The one that called me a cop, I'm not a cop Damnit, P.I.!)

"Hey isn't there any agreement we can come to." I asked them both.

"Weeeeell," He drew out the "well" in a high pitched voice, "You could have your guy face our guy in the ring.

I looked around and noticed that a very large bum (I prefer that to homeless anyway) had stepped from the crowd and was cracking his knuckles. Nightmare turned to look at him and let out another deep growl. (Please don't start barking) Although their guy was big, Nightmare still had about a hundred pounds on him. So I saw no downside to this offer and agreed.

"Oh and I almost forgot" the high pitched one continued "If you lose we take your car."

"Shit-on-that!" I yelled turning on my heels and heading back towards my car. The two "gentlemen" came up behind me and hooked a hand under each arm.

"Too late now officer" High-Pitch said (Damnit! P.I.!, P.I.!, how hard is it to remember that?) "On with the battle."

The "Arena" was actually an old fenced in dirt lot, that the bums had cleared for their personal use. A ring of homeless gathered around the outside of the fence and found makeshift bleachers. The high pitched bum

The other bum stepped up beside him and raised his arms to both combatants. "You know the rules Danny" The large bum nodded and smiled. Turning to Nightmare he said "You can use any weapon you can find and the match isn't over until someone is out, unconscious, gives up, or is dead."

He glanced back and forth between the combatants "Let's get it on!"

Danny dug his feet into the ground and charged towards Nightmare, who was caught unawares. The colossal duo crashed back into a pile of trash and rolled back and forth. Finally, Nightmare grabbed Danny's head and flung him across the lot. The large street ruffian flew backwards until he crashed into an old wooden fence. From the midst of partially broken boards Danny launched to his feet with something in his hand.

"Lookout Night...oof!..." I started to warn Nightmare but a fist in my stomach stopped me.

"Shuddup cop, no spoiling the fun"

"Damnit! P.I.!, P.I.! P...." another fist caught me in the jaw.

Meanwhile Danny had finished his jump and had landed a couple of yards from Nightmare. Nightmare was still trying to regain his feet and climb out of the trash. Danny raised what appeared to be a whisky flask to his mouth and took a long swill. Nightmare finally managed to stand up on an old tractor tire. He began to wade through the garbage at Danny. Meanwhile Danny, with a mouth full of liquid produced a lighter from one of his pockets. Nightmare did not see the connection and so continued his slow march towards Danny. Danny placed the lighter in front of his lips and blew. A searing gout of flame shot forth as the liquid ignited and spewed forth onto Nightmare. Nightmare was caught wide-eyed with shock as he received a face full of flame.

"FIRE BAAAAAAD!" Nightmare screamed rolling around in the trash, trying to extinguish himself.

Danny meanwhile capitalized on this opportunity, grabbing Nightmare in both hands and launching him across the lot. Nightmare hit the ground and rolled into another section of the partially destroyed fence. Danny threw both hands in the air and a great cheer arose from the homeless horde.

"Well it seems your man has failed." One of my guards sneered in my ear.

"It is a nice car though." The other one whispered.

I cringed with the thought of walking home tonight and hung my head. Suddenly a loud bestial growl roared through the abandoned lot.

"FIRE BAAAAD!" Nightmare yelled as he stood, smoking, from the wreckage with a large fence plank in his hand.

I looked up with hope as Nightmare stalked across the lot, plank in hand, towards the not-so-victorious Danny. Danny charged Nightmare again hoping to take him out with a lunging right hook. Nightmare spun in a circle, holding the plank in front of him like an enormous baseball bat. Danny was unprepared as the board caught him across his midsection, forcing him to double over. Nightmare grabbed Danny's neck with his demonic hand (Eww) and punched him in the face with his plank wielding hand. Danny clutched his broken nose and could only watch as Nightmare reared back for a double-handed blow.

"Waid my node... you boke my node" Danny mumbled throwing up a hand as if to block the blow.

Nightmare was unfazed as he brought the plank down on Danny's head. The board shattered with the force of the impact and Danny hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. As I glanced around, I realized that the lot had fallen deathly silent, and that some of the bums had started to filter away, back into the shadows.

"Numu, numu, numu!" came a high-pitched voice from the shadows

The bums now openly ran into the shadows so as not to be blamed for this. A whisper was all I heard as a figure flipped out of the darkness. Before me stood the strangest man I had ever seen, he wore a mask on his face and had a rather goofy entourage. Wildly colored pants and a partial suit of armor was by far the craziest thing I had ever seen. (Even if I consider Nightmare) However, to top it all off he wore a gigantic flag strapped on his back.

"At last Yoshimitsu" I said to, who I hoped was the leader of this motley bunch.

"He says that you better hope that Danny is still alive," a bum that stood beside me said.

"What?" I turned to him, but before he could say more Yoshimitsu stood before us.

"Numu numu numu numu numu" Yoshimitsu prattled on.

"He says congratulations, you found him, now what do you want.

(Oh God why did I ever take this job in the first place?)

_And so ends another chapter in the life of Kilik: P.I. , Hope you enjoyed it please R & R, thanks for the reviews and stay tuned next time for Yoshimitsu: Prince of Bums, or as he would call it, NUUUMUUUUUU!_


	4. Yoshimitsu: Prince of Bums

_Okay welcome once again boys and girls, thanks for waiting patiently everyone, to clarify I'm pretty sure that Yoshi says Numu in the dreamcast version and Namu in the new ones. If not then oh well. Due to a nasty hellkitten bite, I have been incapacitated. The residual effects also explain the shortness of this episode._

**Yoshimitsu: Prince of Bums**

"We gathered around the barrel fire, just me, Nightmare, and Yoshimitsu and his translator. The crackling of the burning newspapers echoed off the alley walls and added to the eerie atmosphere.

"Numuu nuuuumuuu numu numu" Yoshimitsu uttered in a low tone.

"He says that the Company is the new blue collar gang that's in town"

"Huh? Blue collar, ask him where I can find them," I told the translator

"Ask him yourself he's not deaf" the translator quipped back.

"Ohh…but…I…Oh never mind" I repeated my question to Yoshimitsu.

"NUUUMUUUU numu numu num num numuuuu" he swayed back and forth, as he talked like some kind of dancer.

"He says that the Company has set up shop in the commercial sector in a large warehouse on 22nd street."

I turned to Yoshimitsu "Is their any way that we might be able to infiltrate their base."

"Num num nu nu numu numu nu nu nu"

"He says that his memory's kinda fuzzy their, maybe you could help him out"

I sighed and reached into my pocket and pulled out a small sphere wrapped in foil. Moving at lightning speed, Yoshimitsu snatched it from my hand opened the foil and popped the orb into his mouth. After several chews, he began to cough and sputter.

"NUUUUUMUUUUU NUMU NU NU NUMUUU NUMUUUUUUU!" he screamed and hurled the foil at me.

"He says how many times does he have to tell you, not milk centers he's lactose intolerant"

I shielded myself from the spray of spittle and half-masticated (big word) chocolate that flew at my face and began a string of apologies. Yoshimitsu interrupted me half way with another line of "numus"

"He says never mind, his intestines will curse you later, there is a ventilation shaft in the back that will lead you into the ducts, from there you should be able eaves-drop on anyone."

"NUMUUU!" Yoshimitsu screamed.

"Begone! He says before he demands more chocolate cherries of you."

Me and Nightmare quickly ran back to my car before matters got out of hand. Sitting in the driver's seat listening to the scrapes and squeals as Nightmare climbed in, I contemplated what he had said.

"Looks like we'll be doing some infiltration work tomorrow Nightmare."

He looked at me with a confused look and I decided not to explain. I would need somebody to climb that duct. I'm not a very good climber and I sure as hell am not going to rely on Nightmare to be quiet. There is only one person I can count on for this job: Taki the master of espionage.

I cranked the car and began the long drive back towards my apartment, a small but well stocked filing cabinet on the river. As much as I would regret it, I figure Nightmare will have to stay with me tonight. Damn this is gonna be a long night.

_"So there you have it another exciting adventure. Stay tuned next time for Sleepover at Kilik's house, Until next time boys and girls Numu numu numu." Please R&R_


	5. Sleepover at Kilik's

"_Well after a long hiatus, Kilik: PI is back on the air boys and girls! Huzzah! School ended and I don't have an internet equipped computer so the story was put on hold. And now, on with the show!"_

**Chapter 5: Sleepover at Kiliks**

I launched the pillow at nightmares head as the complaints once again arose.

"But this couch isn't soft." Nightmare whined, stretching himself to full length and managing to break one of my armrests in the process.

"Listen, I don't want to hear it," I yelled at him stalking towards my room "You'll just have to deal with it or the floor."

A whining moan followed me into my bedroom and I cut it off by slamming my door. I hit the lights and proceeded to the nightstand next to my bed. Pulling out one of the drawers, I deposited my newly acquired Luger pistol. This foreign gun was the only thing I could get this quickly. Checking to make sure the safety was on I slid the drawer back and reached for the phone. Picking up the receiver I laid back onto my bed, laying the carriage next to me. I dialed the number of the only real espionage contact I knew. The phone rang once before a cold female voice picked up the other line.

"The hell you want?" The voice spat into the phone.

"Hey Taki, it's me Kilik, what's happening?" I began.

"Don't you talk like that to me you piece of shit."

"Oh come on your not still mad about that whole bounty thing are you?"

"You cost me hundreds of dollars by taking out my target." She was yelling now.

"Listen what if I could make it up to you?" I asked

"What the hell can you do that would make up for it?"

"I've got a job for you"

"I told you I'm not gonna take no more shit jobs like that last one"

"I promise this ones a good one, no bears involved."

"It better be cause you know how allergic I am, also I want double"

I almost choked on my tongue "Double?"

"Yes and you better not try to short me, or it's your balls"

"Okay, okay, double it is, meet me at my place tomorrow morning."

"Fine whatever" she said and slammed the phone down on her end.

I was about to do the same when the lights in my room went out and the phone went dead. On instinct I reached for my new German pistol and clicked the safety off. My door slowly began to creak open letting me catch a small glimpse into the darkened living room. (Damnit! Where the hell is nightmare when you need him?) I feigned sleep as a dark shape shuffled towards me on the floor. Reaching out with my pistol I slowly put pressure on the trigger. Suddenly a large demonic hand shot up next to my bed, I panicked and my finger twitched on the trigger. The shot went wide skewering a diploma on my wall. As my heart started the long descent from my throat a small whispering voice came from the darkness at the side of my bed.

"Kilik…I don't like the dark." The voice trembled with fear.

"What tha… NIGHTMARE?"

"Shh…" he whispered. I was appalled to find that as he talked that horrendous hand flapped open and close in time with his words. "The lights went out and it scared me."

I stood in awe at the grotesque talking hand puppet next to me.

"I don't have time for this shit Nightmare."

"Can I sleep in here tonight?" Pleaded the childlike voice.

"No the fuck you can not!" The mere thought sent shivers down my spine.

"Please Kilik just until the power comes back on?"

"Listen Nightmare that is out of the question." I shivered again.

"Well will you sing me a song then if I go back to sleep on the couch?"

A thousand curses passed through my head yet somehow I knew that this wouldn't end until I had comforted him somehow. Grasping that horrible hand that had been mouthing words to me, I lead Nightmare back to the couch and tucked him in.

"Okay what song do you wanna hear? I asked with a sigh

"I wanna hear _My little angel_'

"Uhh… I've never heard that one." I feared the worst.

"Okay then I'll sing it to you" I groaned with the expected pain.

With a childlike clearing of his throat Nightmare let out a high pitched soprano voice and began to sing:

"_GOOO TO SLEEP_

_MY LITTLE AAANGEL_

_REST YOUR HEAD_

_ON THE PILOOOOOOOOOOOOW!_

_GOOO TO SLEEP_

_MY LITTLE ANGEL_

_AND…DREAM…OF…CAK…E"_

As the ringing in my ears finally subsided, I noticed that Nightmare had sung himself to sleep. Cursing my life and everything around it I stalked back into my room and laid my head on the pillooo… aww shit, I've got that song in my head!

"_Will our hero ever get to sleep? Will he be able to stop the dreaded "company"? Where did Nightmare learn that horrible song? Those answers and more, next time on Kilik: P.I._


	6. Enter the Taki

_After a long time off the air Calibur Noir Returns, Welcome again to the continuing adventures of Kilik: P.I. Our story begins from where we last left off, Kilik waits for Taki outside of his apartment._

**Infiltration**

"Okay where is she Nightmare?" I said out loud to no one in particular glancing over at my "Partner" if you could call him that and notice that he's occupying himself with a toilet paper roll and a half-eaten apple core.

"Astronaut, fly in space, skeeeeeew patchooooo pooow" With overexaggerated movements the two "astronauts" fly around deep space apartment.

"Nevermind" Glancing around I pretend that I'm in no way connected to the full grown adult playing with trash as several people quickly pass by hiding their horror.

Suddenly a shadow detaches itself from behind Nightmare and stalks slowly forward.

"What in the hell are you two doing." A hard feminine voice spoke from the shadow.

"Ahh Taki good to hear..."

"Don't give me that good to hear shit, the only reason you called is that you need a favor."

"Hey! That's not true...I...I...um...well...okay seriously, I need the blue prints on the downtown building that the Company owns.

"Oh yeah well I need something too, 100 up front."

I choked as the two astronauts collided with a big paper meteor. "One hundred, you gotta be kidding me!" I sputtered fuming with anger.

Taki looked past me and flipped her hair in defiance of my anger. "Let's go talk in that resturant over there." she pointed past me towards the small diner adjacent to my apartment. Setting aside my feelings of anger and confusion about Nightmare's new fixation with space and garbage I stalked off toward the diner. Nightmare pocketed his "friends" and followed after us making spaceship noises.

Once inside the diner we all gathered around a booth and ordered. The waitress was friendly and smiled at us all, even to Nightmare (Wow she's earned her tip!). I ordered a cup of coffee and Taki ordered the ham and eggs, when the waitress turned to Nightmare (She's still smiling, she must be mentally retarded or something, thats impossible.) he took a deep breath.

"Me want the frozen Mocha latte with hint of caramel with biscotti on side." I stared open mouthed at Nightmare unable to believe my ears. The waitress merely shrugged (She's gotta be a robot or something, theres no way anyone can be that calm) and tripped off towards the kitchen. Unabe to comprehend rational thought after such a vulger display of intelligence, I just said yes to whatever Taki said.

"So we agree then?" Taki said with a sneer.

"Huh...Yeah Whatever" I said quickly. My logic was slowly trying to tell me something but it could not break through the fog Nightmare's knowledge of coffee had created.

"So your gonna pay me two hundred, with one hundred up front and your gonna pick up the tab."

"Uhh huh sure." I said even though my mental faculties screamed a warning.

Finally our food arrived and I was forced to focus on something other than Nightmare's face. As the elite coffee drink was set before him I studied him closely. Nightmare opened the biscotti package and quickly wolfed it down and then set his gaze on the swirling concoction before him. Reaching down with the utmost pricision, Nightmare's hideously deformed hand grasped the drink. Without warning his pinky flew up and knocked a menu off the table. I stared in horror as he raised the glass to his nose and inhaled deeply. I sat mortified as he prepared to drink "pinky up", but as he tilted the glass to his lips he inadvertantly stabbed himself in the eye with his monstrous pinky.

"REEEEEEAAAAAAARGGGHGHGHGGHGHGH!" Nightmare screamed and threw his drink where it shattered against an adjacent wall.

Many hours later, after we vacated the diner and I realized all the things I had agreed to, I found myself lying on the sofa in my apartment. With Nightmare laying sprawled out on the floor. I contemplated calling the whole thing off and doing the job myself. Oddly enough it felt good to be working with Taki again, takes me back to the days when I was a well known P.I. and used to do this kind of stuff all the time. Oh well the past's the past and all that jazz, I'm going to bed if I can find a way past Nightmare's Absurdly loud snoring.

_Well thats all for today's show, sorry so short but its hard to work and type at the same time. Tune in next time for: Taki: Spy hard_


End file.
